#metoo


I feel like it's time to join this conversation. If you follow my blog then you've already read my history with sexual assault, refer to the post titled Terror. I don't think anyone could have predicted the events that would trickle down from Harvey Weinstein's fall, and like most women I applaud the accusers that came forward. It's not an easy thing to do. I never did. So why the post?

I'm starting to feel a little unsettled. Everyday there are new allegations, not that this surprises me in any way but I feel like the topic of sexual harassment and sexual assault are looming around me all the time. I'm having nightmares every night, I'm back to seeing men as predators instead of just people. I'm acutely aware of my surroundings everywhere I go because rape culture is already at an all time high. I don't feel safe and my PTSD has been triggered.

Let me rewind a little bit to give you some history, I grew up with a physically abusive father and a totally passive mother. My fourth grade teacher broke my arm, my fifth grade teacher sexually abused me. When I was 15 the first three times I had sex was date rape. I was sexually harassed through out high school because of this imagined reputation. I never even had sex with anyone until my college boyfriend and we had a mutually physically abusive relationship. After we broke up I had a series of men attempt to have sex with me when I was asleep. I learned some great fake snoring techniques. As an adult I was sexually harassed most days at work in an industry where I was working with powerful men and then finally the sexual assault in my home 8 years ago. After that I just shut down and locked myself in my house for 4 years. Even now I still get unsolicited pictures or advances from men of all ages. 

This is what I find scary, it's so common. Even among the rich and famous. No woman escapes this. I think the statistics on sexual abuse are dead wrong. In fact, some of this is so normal that it's not even considered a form of sexual abuse. Even my teenage nieces are subject to it, at 13! I'll add that I think it's also more common for men than is let on as well but I can only speak for women. 

I know that for some women it's important to come forward and name their accusers. I imagine in Hollywood that might be more important when trying to protect other women. I've never been able to do that. Was it because the female doctor at the emergency room doing my rape kit told me she didn't believe me? Was it because I didn't want to hurt family members of the person that hurt me? Was it because I was scared? It was all of those reasons and more. It's not like I can forget what happened to me but I want to move forward. I want to think about my male friends, or men I walk past, normally. My husband healed me of so much of that but he's not here anymore either. Back to the beginning to the part where I don't feel safe anymore.

I wonder if other women like me are feeling triggered and uneasy, that's why I wrote this. I can't be the only one. So what do we do ladies? Take yet another social media break? As if 2017 hasn't been the worst already. I'm tired of feeling like the fear always gets the upper hand (I almost typed men). I feel like a whole gender hates me and it doesn't feel good. 

Here are things I'm trying to keep in mind when I see these allegations in the news
1. It's not shocking news
2. Some of it may not be true
3. Other women feel like I do
4. I do know lots of good men
5. My dreams are not my reality

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Because I think all of this will get worse before it gets better, from accusations in Hollywood to push back in the culture of fear created by the current government. If there's anytime for "survivors" to stay strong is now and I don't want to let a younger generation grow up and live through what I've lived through. We all have voices, I may not be using mine to punish but I am trying to use mine to find out how to heal ourselves. Join me!

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