On this day a year ago I was in Hawaii having a lovely day, 6 hours later I tried to kill myself.
I realized this yesterday and spent the day in bed crying and sleeping, because that's what you do when you're depressed and sad... or at least that's what I do.
Why? Many of you won't like this answer, many of you may judge me, pity me, or be angry at me. That's your choice but my life is my choice. My choice a year ago was to end my life.
I couldn't take the pain of having a migraine every day anymore, I couldn't look into the future and see hospital visit after hospital visit for the rest of my life. Just to spend the little amount of time walking in the botanical gardens above was torture.
Also, the time I spent in Hawaii is probably the happiest, or most at peace, I ever felt. I realized how depressed I was. How unhappy my marriage was and I didn't see an end to that either. You don't wake up not having a mental illness and I felt I was doing everything I could to save my marriage.
I just felt like that was as far as I wanted to go in life, really and truly. Here's the part of the story you won't like.
Unfortunately for me my roommate is/was a firefighter and paramedic. She found me and took me to the hospital.
The following year has unraveled quickly for me. I decided I had to make some decisions to make changes in my life. I'm getting a new treatment that has improved my migraines for the last year. It's been really amazing but I am at the hospital all the time and it's very expensive. I also gave my husband an ultimatum about our marriage and now I'm getting divorced. It's not the outcome I was expecting.
So in the last year do I wish things had happened differently? I can still honestly say that I do. I still wish I had died. I thought I had lost everything but it turns out there's always more to lose. I don't care about losing stuff in the divorce, I care about losing my person. I'm grateful that so far my migraines are under control but nobody knows how long that will last and I can't indefinitely afford it. I applied for two different organizations that do compassionate release but chronic migraines are not considered a terminal disease.
But it's so much more than what you can put practically on paper. I tried to explain it to a friend recently. I think it's years of trauma, abuse, neglect, pain and mental illness. I hurt on the inside so deeply that I think I must be broken. The highs and the happy days don't matter anymore because the hurt is so strong. There's a tear and I can feel it ripping every day and sometimes I might get a few stitches but then they get ripped away and it hurts just as much again. There is no pain tolerance in your heart and soul, at least not in mine.
So I spent all day crying and sleeping.
Where does that leave me now? I don't know. I'm paralyzed. I don't know where to go now, I don't know how to properly adult, I feel more lost that ever. I am frozen. I just try to get out of bed everyday, eat, go for a walk and take care of my basic needs. That's a spectacular day for me now. I've become my own ghost.
And that's the most depressing thing I can think of.
So why write this post? Because you can never judge someone by the photo's that they post, or the funny quips that they write as their status updates. Mental Health Awareness can mean that not all of us want to be saved but we don't always want to feel so alone either. Mental Illness and depression is a continuum over time. You don't all of a sudden get better because you didn't die and we don't forget. My life remains a choice.
If you are thinking of suicide and you need someone to talk to you, you can always call the National Suicide Hotline