I've been meaning to write about this for a while but I haven't quite known how to work it out from my head to my words. I've been working on it with my therapist and to me it still sounds a little silly but she assures me that other people with Mental Illnesses go through this as well people with Chronic Illnesses so I thought I should make a brief post and see if I got any thoughts from anyone.
For a few years now a truly happy day has been far and few between. I live on small happy moments but I've been working hard to expand those moments to try to have happy days, despite what I might be going though. I feel like I'm getting better at it. When I was going through my manic phase it was so much easier! It was great to feel so awesome. I think I mentioned that that's why people who have Bipolar don't really go to the doctor when they are experiencing a mania because it can feel so good for a while.
After some torturous medication tinkering and finally sleeping after a month I started coming down but continued to have happy days and it freaked me out. Was I still manic? Was it ok for me to feel happy? To someone without Mental Illness this sounds like a woman with too much time on her hands but put yourself in my position. I don't know if I'm really happy or if the disease I have that lies to me is playing more games with my head. I don't know if I'm really happy..... I just wanted to say that again because how terrible is it to not know what happiness can feel like.
I know what all the bad stuff feels like, I know what calmness or peacefulness feels like but in my life between my experiences and my stupid brain chemistry I question what happiness is. I find that deeply disturbing and sad. Was I happy at my wedding? No I wasn't, there was many circumstances for this. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life right? I can't even think of another example to use as a universal time I should be happy. I love to travel and I find it calming and of course theres moments of happiness. I just don't know what it is so how am I to determine when I'm having genuine happy days?
I have to ask my therapist
But I'm glad I did because I found out that I'm not alone in this and it's ok. This is how I can learn the differences between my real emotions and disease, or just learn what I never learned as I was growing up. I think.
Where does my Chronic Illness fit in? I guess I didn't care if I was happy before I got Chronic Migraines and Cluster Headaches because you don't know what you have until it's gone. Maybe I didn't notice. I'm not sure, but now I want to have a full life. I'm not satisfied with my options at this point. I'm going to take any chance for being happy that I can, even if that means having that terrible cranium procedure every six months. Which I think worked, by the way, but that's another post.
I've found a new opportunity for personal growth in a bed of ashes. Sometimes that can be the miracle of continuing this wheel of life.